FINALLY! Finally, we get to see Alcide in a sex scene. Sookie may not be the brightest bulb in the room, but at least she can pick good romping partners. Right when Alcide starts to take off his pants, Sookie decides to throw up all over the man’s boots. Sigh. So much for that. If I was Sookie, I’d curl up and die because that situation alone is mortifying. Realizing your two exes also saw that is a good enough case for amnesia.
Tara seems to have passed on her case of “BS storyline” to Lafayette who is smart enough to fight back with zingy one-liners and annoyance. Lafayette screams that he’s a good man while stomping on angel figurines in his house before praying to….Jesus? Not that one, his dead boyfriend. Wrong one, Lafayette. Wrong one. Lafayette wakes up on his couch hours later, seeing Jesus’ cut off head and his lips sewn shut. Lafayette’s aunt wakes up seeing the same vision, but is calm unlike her nephew. She can even understand Jesus’ murmurings and tries to relay a message to Lafayette. The Thornton/Reynolds family is just screwed up.
Terry is another character who gets the short end of the stick. He and cohort Patrick are being held at gunpoint by a deranged former Army buddy of theirs. I feel like everyone is competing for “Suckiest Week Ever” and didn’t tell anyone. I have no idea what is the point in his storyline. Not a clue. But Eller, crazy Army man, isn’t actually crazy. He’s seen an Ifrit, which if Googled will reveal to be a winged creature of fire. Oh, did they screw up that crazy night in Iraq. Patrick doesn’t believe him, but Terry does. Patrick maintains that Eller is a crazy pyromaniac; unfortunately, Eller dies ten seconds after, killing that theory.
Jason is having a dream where he’s wearing a Masters of the Universe pajama set while eating breakfast with his long-dead folks. Instead of enjoying talk of baseball while eating his Wheaties, Jason sees his parents leaking blood from vampire bites on their necks. Bleh. To make matters worse, his mom offers him a BJ. Nooooo. Not even your worst enemy deserves that dream. Let’s stash that nightmare right before Coraline’s alternate reality.
Poor Arlene walks in on brother in law Andy sleeping nude on the couch. I mean, c’mon. Kids live in that house. Before you say any excuse, his phone wakes up the baby. I swear, those kids have been traumatized enough. Their almost-stepdad was a murderer, they went to Fangtasia and their current stepdad is a war vet currently being held at gunpoint. Let’s spare them anymore future therapy.
In Sookie’s kitchen, the slinging of testosterone ensues. Mostly on Eric and Bill’s side. I don’t care that they’re vampires against a werewolf. You put three people with feelings for one girl in a room and craziness will follow. Sookie is still drunk, so she finds this all funny. She broke up with Eric and Bill to have a semi-normal life, but a 3,000 year old vampire wants to drink her dry. “Must be Thursday!” she exclaims. Actually, it’s Sunday. No one should march into the jaws of death unless it’s Friday.
At least Tara is having a great time! Pam actually looks proud as her progeny struts through Fangtasia looking the best she’s ever been. Tara was in a good mood too, until Pam made her play bartender. “The more things change, the more things stay the same.” Amen, sister. A blonde quickly entices Tara to bite her in public and before anyone can scream, Pam blocks her from getting any. She’s taking the disciplinarian bit to heart, something eavesdropper Jessica has an obvious issue with. Jessica extends an olive branch to Tara, who surprisingly accepted it. Hoyt later offers himself to Tara, who tells him to go home. Guess we can give her a Team Jessica shirt.
Sookie, Alcide, Bill and Eric do some Scooby Doo investigating, leading them to Alcide’s number two, Doug. Doug was glamoured by a female Authority member, making smoke signals rise all over the place. Bill quickly accuses Nora. That was my and Eric’s last guess….Since she is locked up refusing to double-cross them. My money is on Salome. Salome quickly sends the word that they all have til dawn to find Russell or they will be terminated by an iPhone app. This is shameless product placement, but who would want to die because of an iPhone app? Roman is coming off as an attractive tyrant. He wants others to accept the truth according to his word. There’s so many political metaphors to be drawn from this character; it could be someone’s term paper.
All of this insanity actually made me forget about Sam’s dead friends, Emery and Suzanne. Andy and Jason are investigating, which is a great time for them to discuss the aftermath of the faerie club visit. “Those guys and strippers? They’re faeries, man. Like Tinkerball!” Tinkerbell, Stackhouse. Tinkerbell. “I fucked a faerie?” Andy sounds so adorable, until he reminds viewers that he’s dating Holly. You don’t need a vengeful witch on your tale. See Season 4 for evidence. Someone who doesn’t like shifters killed Emery and Suzanne and is definitely after Sam. Sam goes to warn Luna, who is still hiding little Emma in her room. She quickly kicks Sam out to cover for the fact Emma is a rambunctious cute wolf, and the two quickly get shot by ignorant hicks. My anger at this scene was multiplied by 10,000 when they aimed at little Emma. Have you seen that little girl as a wolf? If you can shoot her, you have no soul.
Sookie attempts to talk to Alcide about his shoes, but he’s not having it. In another car, Bill is still beating the “Nora betrayed us” tree incessantly. Eric is patiently shooting Bill’s ideas down. Bill calls Nora a betrayer and a liar like her brother, not seeing why she’s still alive. I’m wondering too, but that’s below the belt. “Take it back,” Eric hisses before the phone rings. It’s just Molly, iStake app engineer, telling the boys that their time is nearly up. I find this app so violating. In my day, when you wanted a vampire staked, you did it yourself. Right outside the creepy manor, Bill barks out orders to split up just like Fred. Sookie is no Velma, so she follows them in with Alcide and Doug. Doug is whimpering just like Shaggy when they search the place; he is the only one with survival instincts. Doug is upset, because if he dies, he’d never have made it to NYC. “New York City smells like pee, and the people are rude,” Eric says. Well, excuse you. I’m sure Bon Temps is lovely with the racist neighbors, crazy woods, and the one restaurant. And you made Pam, the least polite person ever. You have no say. I have to give props to Doug. He didn’t lose it when the Scooby Gang discovered the bodies covered in rats. He loses it when they hear a bump in the hallway, causing him to run off. The gang chase after him to find him and another man screaming at each other. They find out where Russell is and leave the prisoners chained up in the room. Doug decides to stay also.
Roman speaks to the council as the ending scenes begin. Jason is visiting his parent’s graves, contemplating whether vampires had a role in their death. He’s had it with them, and with his track record might have a vampire hunter spin off. Jason, the Vampire Slayer….I’ll work on it. The Scooby Gang moves on to find Russell. The question of whether vampires and humans can live as equals opens up as viewers see Hoyt and Tara in the bathroom stall together. Tara is feeding on Hoyt, and Jessica is feeding on a girl. Hoyt cries out; Jessica comes to the rescue, leading to a vampire girl-fight. I’ll cancel that order of T-shirts. “Took you long enough,” Russell says as the Scooby Gang walk closer. “What infernal racket you people have been making.”
Next: Alcide is being pulled by a monster stronger than him? Scary. Sookie finds herself in trouble with Russell, again. Hoyt thinks Jessica still has feelings for him and runs into the ignorant hicks who shot Luna and Sam. Andy goes looking for weapons that can kill supes. Jessica and Tara are fighting again! Something is happening to Nora. (My money is on insanity; they have been torturing her!) Terry might leave Arlene. I don’t see that happening, she worked hard for a good man. The tagline? The Hunted Become the Hunters